Why I Don't Take Vacations
Or get manicures, or eyelash extensions, or buy your fancy f*cking supplements, or join wine clubs, or buy designer clothes, or attend concerts as a single Mom working a creative career in America.
Post caveat - I DO live in one of the most gorgeous states — and while it’s costly as a single, middle-ish class Mom, reaping the benefits of living close to mountainous nature and coastal scenery is high on my quick dopamine hits when I’m feeling sad I’m not on vacation in another country.
In exactly one week, I get to head into one of my favorite places in the world to support, Planned Parenthood, and fork over $300 to have a technician peer through a microscope and selectively scrape some cells from my cervix that got flagged during a routine Pap Smear so we can biopsy them and make sure I’m not on the pathway to a reproductive woman’s nightmare - ya know, that big scary word that starts with a C. If I’m lucky, it’s just a benign little party bump to get rid of with another doctor’s visit. Yeeeeehawww.
Hopping off the phone, I help my brother (who is also my roommate) unpack our Costco haul and wait for him to do the breakdown on our receipt, then promptly Venmo him $120 for my portion of the groceries. “That’s not bad for a few weeks of mainstay items” we both muse, as I remind myself to slow down on my weekly coffeeshop consumption and the occasional weekend dinner out.
Checking the mail, I spot a green SMUD envelope and whisper fuck! Checking my online account, I realize I missed a payment in March, and swiftly send off $220 to avoid the scary thought of not having power.
While loading up the dishwasher, I muse on my youngest daughter’s upcoming 12th birthday in May. My brain compares the cost of taking time off to drive vs. fly. As tempting as a road trip sounds, camera and laptop in tow to tour God’s country and document the gorgeous scenery, Alaskan Airlines currently looks like $250-300 for a round trip ticket, instead of $500 to spend 4 days just roadtripping 2,000 miles round-trip. That airplane ticket price just can’t be beat… but add in the car, house for 5 days, food, and gifts, and I’ll still be shelling out over $2,000 for a visit to Montana.
The rest is behind this paywall - this week got me thinking all things money unfortunately, as I continue to figure out the financial ways of the world, accepting or not accepting gifts, and daydreaming about the hustle pay off, or if I’ve been giving all my energy to the skewed kind of creativity as I look for my next meal?
My dog, Watson, is staring at me, which is a reminder that I need to call his vet and get his second round of shots and follow that up with a booking for a fur and nail trim. I’m doubtful about the confidence of my grooming skills, so I'm spoiling my long-furred and double-coated free-furry freaky monster that I adopted. Adios $130 dollars.
Mathing was never my strong suit. But I’ll break out the calculator and add up all the month’s expenses based on the past few weeks of attempting the hustle. Let’s see here:
Rent - keeping a roof over my head - losing a roomie who is my littlest brother as he moves on to greener pastures. RIP to the $450 dollars that helped me out while we helped him out and kept his rent low while he learned to work a real job for the last year and become more self-sustaining. I keep getting told stories of families with men still in their 40s and 50s benefitting from living with parents. I’ve been there for a few months at a time, but never long and strive to give my all to my own housing independence. Been a solid start to seeing him get set up more on his own and that makes me proud. He won’t miss me bringing home company, but he’ll miss my cooking. Back up to $1,400 a month for me. Woo!
Out of Pocket Medical Expenses are my penance for not prioritizing my health and spending more weekend dollars on insurance when I had fatter months. Oopsie. $300 to see how much more medical fun times I need to hustle for as I kick myself for not getting on insurance sooner. Time flies when you’re starving and always looking for a nice juicy slowdown rate to feast on for a while.
Rising SMUD rates living with 2 other people soon to be just 1. Shaking my head for to having my auto-pay on, but the ghostly memories of not having more than a few hundred dollars to my name in checking still floats to the top of my hesitancies. RIP to $220 worth of energy we pumped from the Sacramento Systems, and desperately search for ways to lower every month. Tin foil in the windows? Nahhhh. Curtains it is.
Groceries, groceries, going out? Groceries gurrrrrrl, it’s so much cheaper to eat at home, you know that! I smack my head as I strive to walk the balance between spending my dollars and dimes on local eats supporting the folks who may or may not contribute to my money making for the month, and sitting at home on my 5th straight meal in wondering if I’m being a hermit as I shove leftovers in my mouth. Company is always better out, the savings are always spectacular staying in. $400/month is my portion, as I swear I’ll double down on trimming it up. Looks like stocking up on fizzy water less wine and fine cheeses. Fuck. There go my drugs of choice - I tighten the waistline up tho, not mad at it.
Personal Care? As in… Wardrobe? Makeup? Pedis? Nails? Hair Treatments? Facials? Gym? Daytrips? Wine times? Shopping Spree? Okay okay those last few are extracurricular to needed but a little highlighted as the ultimate girl boss relaxation moving and grooving, sipping and saucing out the good gossip all in the name of decompression. Sigh. I’ve learned to myself dress mostly from the thrift store, took out the acrylic claws when I traded them in for a whole lotta gym training in the last 2.5 years that woulda fucked up my nails anyway. Pedis are next. Halted hair appts. with my stepsister several months ago. Skin is managing to look like I’m semi-remembering to put on sunscreen; could use another hydra facial soon. Wine or happy hour time with friends? I’m trying to keep it to a minimum and even spending a couple hundred bucks on the weekend is a… lot. Tallying up my self-imposed cuts, I’m down to an extra few hundred bucks over the month. Coffee and joints are my primary self-care addictions right now, plus the occasional underwear and t-shirt refreshment - $250.
And last but not least, I attempt to set aside heroic sums of thousands of dollars that I suppose I’d be spending on extra curricular classes for the girls already if they were here with me, but now I just spend on seeing them for a handful of days at a time, my ex be damned. Already covered in depth what a solid trip to see them costs me, and I’m attempting that every 2 months, plus the time off of jobs. Read all about my $2,000+ trips to Montana here.
Calculator, make me a match—I’m just trying to keep up with the monthly grind of $3,700 as a solo entrepreneur, which has been pretty steady overall. However, it leaves very little in the tank in the way of savings if I indulge too much in the trimmings and trappings of middle-class fancy, such as tickets or weekends. It wasn’t even until post-Covid by two years that I broke the 50K gross income bracket while maintaining expenses AND attempting to grow my business. The peers my age who are solo living it, AND still complain about getting by, are bringing in closer to 100-130K+ annually and have expense accounts for eating out. My only regret is that I didn’t start depositing every dime I earned into a HYSA 7 years ago. Oh well. I would change a LOT if I had a time machine, duh.
I’m attempting to hold onto the hope that bigger gigs like the batch I had last year, will fall into my lap again… but so far it’s been a lot slimmer earnings than the first 2 quarters of 2023 and 2024. People are scared, I can sense it. While also constantly second-guessing my own abilities. Am I doing home run jobs and not charging enough?? Or am I blinded to the flaws of my own work and tweaks I could be making to net higher value clients while also structuring my spending habits better and cinching up to pay off debts?
All of the above. Toying with the idea currently of hiring someone just to help me out with landing jobs while also demanding more of my own creativity and confidence to stick to prices, while scouring my environment for continued inspiration. Phew.
As for gold digging… well. It turns out, I’m flunking these classes and frequently find myself incapable of using men just for vacations and fancy dinners all the time when I’m not equally emotionally invested. Damnit. Had to put the kabosh on a recent Hawaii trip suggestion… even after some consideration… I don’t want these guys to be getting the wrong idea, PLUS I still have to find time to work and save.
I still like to purr a little for attention, and I am learning to add a little extra fun and flair to my weekends, not always on my dime. My time is worth something, after all. I am starting to finally abide by that honesty with my own emotional and physical investments in and out of the bedroom.
After all, I deserve to take my own vacation finally at peace with a job well done - men and naysayers be damned.
My current fling gifts me satin sleepwear and panty sets one day and gold handcuffs the next. He knows I don’t want anything serious… might have to remind him a time or two. It remains to be seen when the hard stop button might or might not have to be hit.
It sucks when work slows down, ESPECIALLY when you have a periodic big expense. We all do the best we can...
But freelance can be very tough. It's feast or famine and, while we know that during the fat times, we should be socking away money, we never do. It's like a law of physics: The more you make, the more you spend. Even with the best of intentions, we're all guilty of it — and we can't beat ourselves up over it.
I know work will pick up for you, you're just too damned good not to be in demand, Anna.